how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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