I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
