You just made me feel so damn special
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
