Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
