Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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