he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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