You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
