so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
