we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
