found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
