Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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