the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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