Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
