I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
