I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
