epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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