My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
