I just cut my nipple shaving
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
