The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Buhtt sex?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
In other news, I just burned my penis
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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