You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
