batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
