Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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