I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
