Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
