I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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