we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Is her dick bigger than yours?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
