I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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