I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
