i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
