used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
