oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
