i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
