Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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