I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
