I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
