That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You were trust falling into bushes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
