You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
