did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I checked into jail on foursquare
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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