Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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