wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
