whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
