We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
try to milk me bitch
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