So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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