my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
