so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
