I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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