A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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