Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
