Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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