Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
