so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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