I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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