My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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